Gut-wrenching

Time doesn't heal
It numbs me.

Months passes. But it still hurts..

还是关心, 可是我不知道为什么我已经痛得不懂也不敢在靠近了。觉得很可怕。
最后最恨的还是自己。

Enough

Yes, I have done enough. It's more than enough, it is time to let go. A friend told me that and I can't help but start crying.
I'm tired of getting hurt when all I did was care. I guess it is true that you loses if you care. Because I was worried people might get hurt or will be lonely, I choose to forgive, choose to reply over times and times. But in return, what I got from this was just "I know all you want is me to love you right? come on wake up la" "you are just fat and admit it" "you just want to be "famous" isn't it?" "i'm trying to protect your privacy but you oh so want to be fking famous (when you go around telling untrue stories behind my back)" then "that was just my opinion, why should I even apologise for my opinion" An opinion is something you think not something you put in others' mouth and claiming they said it. "If you forgive and forget we can still be friends" How am i supposed to forgive when people just said why should i even apologise. And how to forget things when it hurts you so badly. Then "I apologised what, wtf u want. you are crazy" This is it isn't it? When I don't reply, I said I needed time. I didn't want to spoil the friendship, but you kept pressuring me and pestering me to reply messages. Then when I tried forgetting and forgiving you said you don't think you are at fault neither should you have apologised then what for did you apologise for? and then started blaming for everything? started maligning me and say that I have a motive being close to you. I think this is really it. Why should I worry and care for someone who thinks like that of me. Things can't be undone anymore. Im tired and it hurts so badly and I feel really dumb. I'm starting to hate myself. Not everyone is kind in this world. And its really enough.

原来伤心真的可以想到发高烧。已经很久很久没病倒了现在觉得好辛苦

这两个里月学会了很多东西。
发现其实关心你的人不管你碰到的是大事或小事都会关心你。
而不关心你的人不管你把事情说得多么严重， 你得到的只会是他们的嘲讽。

有时候你对别人好，他们也不一定觉得好。
到最后你对他最好最信任的那个人却是把你伤到最彻底的人。
所以现在学会了，人家说的话听一听就算了不要太相信不然最后受伤的只会是自己。真正对你好的人要用心去感受。
现在只希望能够不再痛，不再难过，心不再酸，眼泪不再流。

Emotional pain

I want to sleep for months or years and forget about about anything.
So when I wake up it will be a fresh start with no memories or anything.

People hurt you and doesn't even give you time to get over it. They expect you to forgive and forget overnight. Forgiving can be easy but forgetting is another thing. They blame you for remembering it, for mentioning it but they forgot what caused it. Maybe they thinks you enjoy remembering feeling hurt. And when people make your self esteem hit rock bottom yet still continue attacking you. How long would it take to trust these people again?

哭累了可是睡不着
我好害怕, 真的很怕, 不敢说
谁可以救救我

Because its tiring finding excuses for others
Because it hurts so much to see it with my own eyes
Because its tiring to care.
Because I'm just a kill time thing.
Because I just happened to be readily available.
Because I can't differentiate whether its a joke.
Because I took everything seriously.
Now everything hurt so much.
I am the joke.

Humans are scary.

Sometimes I just wonder, when you care about someone's feeling, you think about the words before you say it so that it wouldn't hurt the other party. But what about the person you cared for? Do they really take your feelings into account? Its scary how they have already took you for granted, insulting you in anyway to make themselves feel better or more inferior. Be it insulting jokingly or seriously, there is always a limit to everything. For example, you saw your friend having bad mood for what-so-ever reason, of course as a friend you will try to cheer him / her up or try to protect them off from any unnecessary insults / comments. So you tried to brush off the comments or just take the insult from them so that they won't feel hurt. But what happens? That friend you are trying to protect, end up adding more fuel into the insult to make him / herself feel better? Lol. Is this right? Not everyone are happy everyday, everyone have their bad days once in awhile. Just because I didn't rant, it doesn't mean that life is going all so well for me.

Another thing is helping your friends when they are in need. Of course, helping is no problem. I don't expect anyone of you to thank me for the help too. But the least you could do is to appreciate the help given. I'm not obligated to help you, I help you out of a choice. Why the hate when I couldn't help?
I do have my own things to do too. And I'm not smart or an elite in any way. When you ask for help, sometimes i do need time to think about how to do it too. I dare say that I always try doing whatever request thats ask of me even when I'm busy or tired. But do these friends really appreciate it? Sometimes when you help people too much, I guess they will just take you for granted. To be honest, I dun mind helping people cause I felt happy when I'm able to help them. But when I'm not able to help on the spot or need some time, they say that you are selfish, grumpy, etc. Is this fair for me? What have I done to deserve this kind of treatment? Am I paid to help you guys? Just because i don't report or whine about every single little thing I'm doing, it doesn't mean that I'm always free. Why would you guys expect me to be there 24/7 at your beck and call? How about when I need help? Not that I've ever ask for one, but maybe a listening ear? No one cares. Everyone expect you to be there 24/7 but when you really need someone just for a moment, who is there for you? They expect you to reply their messages instantly but how about them? They deny the fact that they reply late and insist its your fault? Its getting tired for me to talk to anyone of you.

Why didn't I try talking to you guys about all these? Do you ever think I didn't try voicing out? I did. But no one ever thinks they are at any fault. All I get is just you are too sensitive, grumpy, you pms?, you didn't have enough sleep?, etc etc. All sorts of reasons stating that the problem lies with me and not them. So what is the point of telling people who will never feel they are at fault? Probably I'm the one at fault. Because whenever you guys ask for help, I didn't say no even when I have other stuffs on hand. So if anyone of you happens to chance upon this post, don't even bother trying to ask me if its you or not or what happened. Because I have already come to a conclusion that you will never understand, thats why i decided to rant it off over here instead. Don't bother trying to tell me anything because words do hurts. Too much built up frustrations. I'm really tired. I need a break. And I don't want to talk to anyone.

Whats new?

Some people, you talk to them everyday but they don't even give a fuck.
Some people, you rarely reply or talk to them yet they actually made an effort.
No emotions. No excuses needed.
I guess it is the choices we made to keep which around.

So true

So stressed and sad for the whole week ): 

And apparently, it doesn't really matter when you think so much for others.

Like when they are sad or stress, you avoid telling them your problems so they won't feel even more bad than they are already. And you bottle up all your stress and sadness till you can't even take it anymore. And when you approach, you can actually see who are the one that actually care. 

Friends that you chat with everyday may not be those that really understands you and care for you.

They only come to you when they need you. So true. 

To those who saw this and feel bad, please continue to feel bad because you are one of those that poured all your problems and sadness on me and were not there WHEN I NEED TO RANT. 

And obviously i'm not going to treat anyone indifferently because of this but i just won't trust this people as much anymore. Fair enough.

Feel so much better now

But Thanks so much to those that listened to my rantings anyway ^^

Half done through the assignment :/ and need to meet up with group mate at 1pm tomorrow ):

Bad news is no more kuroko anime but good news fairy tail season 2 is on air already ^-^

Stress

T_________________T

Break Down

Venting it out here because I don't feel like confiding in anyone.

How long has it been since I'm feeling like this.
Feeling useless, disgusted by myself, feeling used / taken for granted.
On the verge of tears in MRT, crying in cab, swallowing tears in office.
Why am I still finding excuse to believe that you care?
Why do I find excuse to avoid thinking about it or rather deceive myself?
I'm a human too, I'm selfish too.
I get tired too.
I hurt people when I'm hurt too.
I obviously know that I'm not perfect too, with many flaws or maybe nothing good at all.
But why some people just have to rub it in?
Yes I'm FAT, NO TALENT, DUMB, UGLY, LOUSY, LAZY, I WASTE TIME and whatsoever.
Yes your friends, families, etc are all more greater or better than me or mine.
Then why talk to me?
Yes I'm really harsh sometimes, but thats when 'm really hurt too.
Like I said, I'm a human too.
But at normal times do I say things to hurt my friend? No. I know I won't.
Why should I always be at your beck and call? Am I your dog or what?
Ok, this, I brought it upon myself. I can just say no right?
But why are all the answers I get from my favours rejections?
Yes I don't approach. But why? Because it is always rejection. Right?
I guess bringing me down than I'm already in really makes people feel more happier.
Calling yourself my bestfriend, but how much do you really know about me?
Why some people just expect others to listen to their problems but they don't listen at all?
Your words are contradicting if you didn't realise.
Yes making friends shouldn't be based on conditions.
But when someone purposely hurt you and make use of you. Is it still worth it?
Who crossed the line? Maybe it's me but it doesn't even matter anymore.

So unlucky ):

Many many things to do but no time ):

and many many things to buy because i keep losing and spoiling my stuffs nowadays ):

and no idea whether to throw away my year 1 and 2s proj mock up, lampshade, shoe, etc.

Like wanna throw but bu she de also because is my hardwork ):

Okay la not as like as if i worked damn hard but at least got some effort there LOL

Aiya but then waste alot space also ):

And the shoe i like it a lot but who would wear it out ): LOL

AIYAA somemore monday school reopen already ):

NO TIME NO TIME

Monkey D Luffy

Luffy digging nose as usual in the episode :D but too cuteeeeee la!
It's been a long time since i used the markers too.
Now feel like learning caricature drawing LOL
But see how la hor.

So so busy this week ): went out almost everyday went out lor
And really tired ): feeling old LOL.
okay byeee

):

I finally drew on the black sketch book that i bought 2 months back LOL

quick sketch last week but now don't how to continue with it ): 

Shade with white color pencils? 

My shading sucks ): LOL don't know when will complete it. 

Now i look at my sketchbooks i realised i really haven been drawing lor ):

The warm gray copic refill ink also haven even open dao! 

And that box of markers lying at the corner growing dust already 

And those few boxes of poster, acrylic paint, color pencils covered in dust already ._____.

Lets throw everything and buy a tablet? ^-^ LOL just joking

I'm lazy to learn too. later like the keyboard buy for 2 weeks then stopped playing already ): 

Such a waste of money :/ some more is use my own savings one lor )):

Maybe wait till i graduate then buy tablet la hor? Around next year april ^-^ 

Unless i fail studio proj LOL. 

But then again, who knows by next year i will lose interest in drawing or what right?

Anywayy IAP finally ended
now got holidays for 3 weekssss although still got VI
But most of the work should be done by the year 2s and 1s right? :x
Afterall the year 3s only got get 10% mah LOL.
Okay byeee

Faillllllll ):

The failed kawasaki rose ): I SWEAR THIS IS DAMN HARD
Spent a few hours in office trying to learn this but fail at the last few part ):
The locking part ah ):
Nevermind next time try again LOL.

I need to be more determined ~_~

Early half bloom

Just learnt this ^-^ LOL too bored in the office ): although i got a lot of work to do.

Anyway the top part very weird leh don't know to make the damn smooth swirl.

I want to learn the kawasaki one but it seems so hard ):

Okay la left 1 hour plus more only i shall do my workkk

Nutella cupcakes againnnn

This time round i only filled the batter to half cup full so it didn't overflow ^-^ v
I like thisss cause it's so easy and fast to bake and taste quite nice hehe.

Okayy i think pms really will affect the mood right ):
Because this few months i realise, everytime a few days before it came i will start to think a lot more than i usually do @@ and feel so useless suddenly )):
Then i will force myself to draw something or bake anything or learn some origami or just get anything done
Then i will feel abit more useful ~_~ but still a useless person because i dunno anything ):
kk this is damn weird ._. but it is always like that!! sigh ):
But it's Friday today :D and 2nd last week of IAP! ^-^
Okay i go do work already byeeeee!

Chopper :D

So long never draw already ): LOL
Anyway i heard there's holiday till 8th oct :D LOLL but still need to do vi or what.
No idea but got holiday can liao ^-^
Like finallyyyyyyyy.

So confused about everything and it makes me so tired these few days ):

Totoro nutella cupcakes

w u a w i r h L 

s h t t u p!!! w w d 

LOL kk the above is: 

Will update again when i reach home LOL 

so hard to type using phone!!! weird weird de

kkk i dunno why it appeared like that when i typed using my phone.

Baked this on friday night and i filled the cup over 3/4 then overflow ): then so ugly!

and i couldn't find the edible pen ink anywhere! 

so i bought the candy frosting or something and the damn fine piping tip 

but i forgot to buy the other attachment then cannot use ): 

so i used toothpick to slowly draw on the fondant -_-" LOL 

now in office wanna die already ):
keep sneezing non stop.
Last night sneeze until 3+ 4 am then sleep then can't wake up ): 6.30 then woke up.
And wednesday have to come back to do work because boss last minute give work )):
but its okay last 2nd week already ):<
And i damn scared i will get the chicken pox virus from my colleague LOL
kk i go do my work now ): BYE

Green Tea Macarons

Baked these last week
I think it was undermix LOL then got the swirl and i didn't use water and slowly tap to make the surface smooth ):
and the color is so dark because i read the recipe wrongly it was 1 1/2 teaspoon of matcha powder but i saw it as 1 1/2 table spoon LOL
but it's okay because i love green tea ^-^ i'm not the one eating though LOL
Time to start drawing again sooooon

So frustrated now ):
The office so noisy now!!!
I really dun like the boss ): so annoying
YOU BUSY I ALSO BUSY WHAT!!
ask me to photocopy stuff somemore i never use your machine before
you cannot ownself photocopy meh a few steps away only.
kkk i know i'm overreacting now. It's just photocopying a piece of paper.
but my in charge is so nice she photocopied it for me ^-^ LOL
This boss should seriously shut his mouth up.
I'm like talking to and answering myself -_-
But i seriously think he is a stingy slave driver LOL
he himself eating lunch lor then keep asking the other colleague to come back faster from lunch.
Then still say so busy already, lunch got so important meh? you yourself eating it lor -_-
And i dun get why some of them are always so rude towards those bangala workers.
so annoying and bad.
kk i dunno why i'm so pissed off over all this things when it doesn't even concern me
probably because i'm damn damn hungry now and he talk so fast and non stop that it's so noisy
and because i can't get a badminton court for today night ):<
LOL
aiyaaa T___T
kk enough of ranting
byeee

Caramel cupcakes!

Baked caramel cupcakes last night :D
Damn fail at drizzling the caramel LOL
but i think it is a little too sweet because i poured too much caramel ):
Anyway, the recipe i used is from this website http://www.sprinklebakes.com/2010/05/triple-salted-caramel-cupcakes.html
Haven been drawing lately ): because i'm more in the mood to bake than draw.

Kept getting distracted nowadays ): it's like my mind just went into blank suddenly.
No idea why LOL and i felt so busy these few weeks although i did nothing else other than watching One Piece, going out and going work ~_~
Okay la i got no idea what i'm typing right now too cause i forgot what i wanted to post.
byeeee

Salted Caramel Macarons! :D

Sorry for the lousy piping cause i just use the normal clear plastic and cut a hole LOL

The shape still look weird though ):
no idea why ):

And it sucks to know i haven been doing anything at all these 2 weeks D:
I kept watching One Piece and didnt even draw!
LOL sian i dun even feel 1% of motivation to do any work in this office :/
Or rather i dun even feel like leaving house for work at all ):
I woke up early but i'm late almost everyday ._.
I dun feel comfortable here at all! sighh
Although the people here are really nice but i just dun feel comfortable :/
Probably because i'm hard to get along with LOL.
And i really dislike doing the follow up of other work -_- i mean it's not even mine to start with lol
How am i supposed to clear up all those leftovers when i dun even understand a thing about it.
Sometimes i wonder if i'm too stupid to understand what they are saying or because they are speaking in their own company language -_-"
I mean you can't expect me to know everything when you only told me to read up the company website right lol.
Wait, no, that's the only source i have about what your company is doing.
And then i have to help you pick up the calls too? lol
Okay i don't mind doing that but the people who called, i really got no clue what they are saying about ._.
They called and just say "I want something" ?!!?!
WTH DO YOU WANT? You can't expect me to understand right!
I don't work here for like 10 years or what.
Although they didn't even say me but it is so frustrating when i dun understand what people are saying.
ARGH ):
Okay enough of ranting. I shall not be bothered by all these things as usual.
LOL kk bye!

sketch sketch Luffy part 2!

Luffy :D
LOL not that i'm damn free in the office but i will feel sleepy if i just sit here and do work for the whole day ):
Less than 1 hour left and going to meet xp later ^-^

Don't even try, you said to me.
Tried and got hurt but no regrets (:

sketch sketch luffy!

Doodling on the notebook as usual LOL
I used to think that Luffy look ugly and didn't want to watch One Piece at all
But now so cuteeeeeeee :D

why why why

Drew this long long long time ago LOL dunno digged out from where also.
Now i really miss using color pencils but i forgot how already.
Not in the mood to draw anything nowadays ): or is it because i'm so busy watching One Piece LOL.
I have to buy some refills for the copic markers before drawing
And i feel like buying a wooden manikin. Dunno for what reason too.
I should start sleeping early everyday with my lights off. Because when i sleep with the lights on i feel so restless the next morning ._.
And this cat from dunno where. You have to stop visiting my house!

As much as i want to forget about everything
what happened that day are still etched in my mind
okay rubbish LOL byee

So busy at work these few days ):
I know i shouldn't be folding roses but i got no idea what to draw.
Met up with poly mates on Monday for dinner though.
and i finally started to watch One Piece LOL

It's been a really, really messed up week
Seven days of torture, seven days of bitter ~
):

and stomach cramp sucks ):
kk bye

I go back to December all the time.

Anime ver. [Completed]

LOL somehow i think this look more like loki or who
And i have been drawing and coloring damn fast dunno why
Not much patience ): or rather not in the mood to draw ):
I hope i find my passion again ~_~

Anyway something good about about IAP is that i got more time to go out LOL
Caught sadako and slack with xp till 5am on friday LOL
During FYP is rhino until 5am -_-
kkk maybe i should start drawing and shading with pencils again before i forgot how to.

Lazyyy

Tried drawing g-d anime version to make myself feel better LOL
okay i know it doesn't look like but whatever :D
yet to colorrrrr

Met up with xp yesterday for dinner and spiderman ^-^
and i keep oversleeping nowadays ):
kk back to work!
Byeee

YAYYY

LOL sketched this 5 minutes before work ends!
I know the head a bit slanted LOL

Anyway yayyyy from next week onwards i don't have to go office to work on Wednesday anymore :D
Unless got urgent stuff or if i need to go somewhere else to check the stuffs ^-^

And i don't get why some people can be so selfish ._. so annoying.
and now i'm seriously disgusted by how you act -_-
and so disappointed too.
Anyway above are different people LOL (:
My life is full of complaints ):
Okay byeee

Sigh

Drew this last year december? 

Doodling on my notebook again

I'm so bored now ): 

I wish i can draw so damn nice like other people sigh

2 more hours to go!

Why always fail ):

Yea portrait again ): always fail one and i got no patience to do it too.
Actually i finished coloring the face already but don't wanna post it here D:
Because i color until it look like some random G-D wannabe old uncle ._.
so sad T__T always like that one.
This is why i always gave up drawing portrait :/
There are a list of things that i want to draw but now no mood already ):

There's not much time left already and i still don't know what to do next time D:
Maybe learn baking after graduating? because office life is so boring ):
But i also don't know leh
GOD WHY U NO GIVE ME SOME TALENT? sigh
so many things running through my mind these few days ):

1 week passed! :D

Yea i've been doodling on my mini notebook during work LOL
And i got something undone on my sketchbook x_x and i don't know whether to continue drawing it or not
because i'm scared of failing AGAIN LOL.

Anyway i bought my black paper sketchbook already :D wanna try drawing with white pencils.
okay byeee

sighhh

Random doodle on my mini notebook during work again ._.
Was actually trying to draw anime eyes LOL
I swear my sketching will definitely improve at this rate LOL
I even brought my sketchbook to work ~_~ but i don't dare to draw here cause it will be too obvious I'm slacking off!
I got work to do but I'm keeping for later so I won't feel bored later on ): LOL
especially in the afternoon ._. i can get so sleepy after lunch lol.

Bored bored bored!!

Drew this yesterday LOL!
And my boss just went to toilet thats why i'm posting now LOL
kk bye!

First day of work ~_~

As you can see, it is really boring ._. that i even had the time to doodle on my small notebook.
and my desk is not even that big and clean and the clock doesn't exist too LOL.
Somemore i don't know where i placed my booklet for IAP ): can't find it anywhere sighhh
I think i lost it outside when i went out after school last week.
Okay i got nothing else to say because i rant too much to my friends that now i'm lazy to type everything all over again.
Byeee